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The Elephants

XOXO #ofPoems

Kamden Hillard

fag crush friday

ain’t an exact
silence1 // 4 queer sovereignty is 2 legibility
as nah
is 2

whether a shoulderlean
or a shoulderchip depend
on da damage o’
identity holla-tik

the hashtag'd hav a fat
lip wen frownin on the curb
stopa the week [see fig. 12]





all’s up for reclamation all’s out 4 the season

all wants what’d kill the self 2 kill itself /
2 want what hurts /


cocaine / the President Elect’s turncoat complaintants / heroin /
heroine Clinton / ‘s / legibly gendered “untrustability” /
voters / plastic / peanut butter 4loko / neoliberal logics
of yt activism / critiques of neoliberal ytactivism /
books   even


my turn
2 wundr
unfamiliar while weeping
1 tyme i pained
i wanted
i still
i still
want b?e?t?t?e?r?
but kno b?e?t?t?e?r?

iv.4 luva self.4 others.4 gudness.4 40$
saké.4 safety.4 40 acres.4 sooth.4
heaven’s cakecakecakecake.4 my 3/5ths
legalization.4 publik, well lit shame.


I killed Sirius Black! (Yates, 2007)

i didn’t kill
Sirius Black
i don’t wanna
panic attack

don’t do gud
villain but would
die 2 b hit
in the DM dark,
g-d / g-d g-ddamn,
danger make me legible
again when?
i wonder walkin when
ever / will i fail
or / stranger or
sex strangle or
of doily’d pain?

Madame Lestrange
would nvr do me
this dirty she’d deny me
service w legible luk

ey  e / c   o n   t   r   a c t   /   so cial /contact

viable fear / how
queer 2 dream wet
4 shame:
pain / un

[] / O

“Again, that is a policy change that was made consistent with the advice of our best scientists & public health professionals. But the President believes that when it comes to these kinds of questions, that we’re going to rely on scientific advice.”

-White House Press Secretary Briefing, Josh Earnest, 6/14/2016

there is blood science , but i , 2 , only redden in theory / am a vector & culturally camp fear muck . in -
group difference , O . F . C . , difference , would suppose , do imagine blood typeless , bad bitches is the
only thing that it lykth3
. i am not a bad bitch nor did i knew desire under a purview , its jurisdiction &
biasesa . y did the blood bank cross the road ? weird tender . poorly lit dickpix . gay money gud money
but ain ’ t gud nvr quite the goal ? the rage implicit 2 exclusion has 1 , 000 bedroom eyes & wundrs on yr
butthole . when were yu last luvd ? under what circumstances will yu access deviance ? dirty , dirty flip
fry . lyk, what ? pineglo but not the feelin ? blood offer sum cake & methy superqueer - o feelin ! end on a
glassa orange juice & plastic tubing - - the processa which begins on wonder on - - a bird ? a plane ? no ,
it ‘ s a legible cishet body that has not engaged in anal sex in the last 6 months!


THE OLDER’S ringworm is the edge / o’ death / no! o’ glory! / nah death / lol / they geffum
woah   weird      scary / havin // worms & parasites / still so many friends / friends! / so many friends /
his friends are carefula me / & my friends are carefula me 2 // such 2 say 2 meself / do i access luv? do i
luv my attractions 2 desire 4 access? do i / do luv? do kno i do peelin paint from walls
keep my scratchfeelings quiet?

important 2 b close 2 death / get drinks w a bitch / sus lite / freak gud feelin from the dark in meh
/ THE OLDER is disgusty [4 1ce / 2 b / honest] / & free from ny lastin trauma / rly best 2 b / MOMDAD
has medicine / so THE OLDER don’t die / drat /
would have gotten away with it 2, if it weren't for yu meddling4 sciences   !
dickridin didacticism o' the resolute / so often shitty feelin so duh / MOMDAD already 2 rescue: /
caped thing 2 put a trap in that mass / thick quell / stomp the curve’s bite / chomp / chomp chomp / 2
thousand & 2 // the world is her’s 2 clingwrap
& save //

but no lol no no i don’t rly want all / that hard / don’t depose my petty depositories / best case scenario: climate change science gets its deserved gravity [treatment / lyk] / no1 nvr again / gets scared or the thing b4 such a terse tissue / in skort // THE OLDER lives / lives in glorious strapsa / cell & muscle & experiences a fewa the acute pains // but the wish remainsa itself frequently / the essential problema pain / is its existence & guaranteed continuancea / the realitya the realitya reality

who say ya colonial G-D ain’t dig dis body?
grammar is a systema meanings // intelectual technology / no instructions / picka OS       picka
thing & ya already dun pickd a system / the way we romp / repudiable / observable /
uninterestin / & fin //     n a t u r a l / slippery lil’ language / i wanna get a NU TUNG / pik a tung ny
tung / all me me me :: my my my :: moar moar moar lol lyk FAM, THE / rly lyk / the institution lyk / my
long nuclear / nights spent dreamin on restitution / / Morrison [MaPa 2 rly] B-luv sum shit lyk /
black folk careful w luv cuz yu nvr kno where desiresa ytness finna go5 / f


// fucc w me felt orderingsa emotional logics cuz i don’t want / 2 wish ‘em tragedy // THE
OLDER / o brother what / bother // blood! luv! science! plastique! // my want badly things 4 // slit me
splits? ravenous miles 2 wish ‘em sick magic // heartsniffle // bless me / lol / 4 a few only time / a
SCIENCE that luv my methodologically polemic audible / me willful
call now 1-800-9494 4 weaponized biologics now & 4 a limited time / praise
order / & accept the charges / do i accept the charges? / yes / i accept the charges / praise / THE
OLDER’s brand speakin new sick--
the circle’s wrinkle // remember our conflictsa interest / our meansa delicious memory:

over fancy green salad kings play chess on fine grained sand keep pond clean or fish get sick kids pick candy over fancy green
salad kings play chess on fine grained sand keep pond clean or fish get sick kids pick candy over fancy green salad kings play chess on
fine grained sand keep pond clean or fish get sick kids pick candy over fancy green salad kings play chess on fine grained sand keep pond
clean or fish get sick kids pick candy over fancy green salad kings play chess on fine grained sand keep pond clean or fish get


there was a pamphlet / during those formative, greedy years-- when i wanted 2 kno the
SCIENCEa snow / y /
exactly / how / it wasn’t the same date / errywhere /
how xmas could luv me or b / detached from neoliberal logicsa capitalism+religion or this green /
this brite // but @the time felt more lyk
what will luv me? how will i let it? where is the holly? i’ve only wreaths & wrap s o’ barbed
wi r/e

but now do feel pretti / abiopolitical about all the public / performance // but i’m sorry i’ve gotten
us / aheada meself / my legible makin is a L8r process / gotta grow if we wanna harvest // eat /

Hawaii / so green [so fuccin green] evn in / the cold / er months
but even in the strange / lush / i searched 4 xmas gifs / i mean as problematic / as i’ve always
been / what if Santa [lol ain’t no Santa but sho / me the agent / w no cover story / show me an easy /
breezy way 2 death] couldn’t find me? / what if i’ve already been seen? so garage so carport lanai / so
kitchen cabinets / so under the couch desk table / so curtains so ottoman so / bathroom / so under my bed
[lol ya nvr kno] / so THE OLDER’S room [o the older o conspiratora rule & law & social contract ugh] so
THE YUNGER’S room / so finally / MOMDAD’s room /

childlogics yo they knew / kno / they knuckle themselves w deduction
i don’t feel lyk erry1 around me
i’m kinna shittly about havin a body lmao help me i don’t wanna die alone

so it’s / p r e c i e n t : 2 finding found info on / what i would gro / 2 kno as Gender Dysphoria
but was called / in this context as / Gender Disorder / but / thxfully the innanet is here 2 let ya kno [years

...that gender nonconformity is not in itself a mental disorder. The critical
element of gender dysphoria is the presence of clinically significant
distress associated with the condition.6

in the pamphlet
the parent ask
the child
“Are you a boy or a girl?”
the child say


yes yes yes


1 borrowed from Nine Monkeys (Gilliam, 1995)
2a bermuda trianglea :

  • brad pitt

  • pornhub
  • & pounds of bandage

3adapted from Sremmurd’s “No Type”
4Adapted from Scooby Doo, Where are Yu? (1969-1970)
5Adapted from Beloved (Morrison, 1993)

Kamden Hilliard reads for Gigantic Sequins, edits Jellyfish Magazine, and goes by Kam. They got love from The NFAA, The Ucross Foundation, and Callaloo. The author of two chapbooks: DISTRESS TOLERANCE (Magic Helicopter Press, 2016) and PERCEIVED DISTANCE FROM IMPACT (Black Lawrence Press, 2017), Kam stays busy. Find their poems and essays in The Black Warrior Review, West Branch, Muzzle Magazine, The Hawaii Review, and other sunspots.

This originally appeared on May 28, 2017